This is me, Monday morning, post hectic school run. After a week of broken sleep. Yesterday's eyeliner. Hair that never does what hair is supposed to. Oh and a default expression that is worry. I hadn't realised that until now. Sheesh!
I’ve got puffy eyes, blemishes, cracked lips. And character flaws by the truckload. I'm hugely impatient. I like sugar and fat way too much. I have a deep seated need to be right. A complete lack of gardening prowess. And a fear of car washes.
And today I feel fragile. I feel life is fragile. I'm worried about my elderly mum's health. My kid's immune systems, eating habits, sleep patterns. How much I've screwed them up. I worry about people I know in Ukraine. The destruction of our planet. And I say all of this acutely aware I live an extremely privileged life.
It can take just one thing for the wheels to fall off. An illness. The death of a loved one. Losing one of your five senses. Or your mind. Or your job. Or for a relationship to break down. And yet we’re all programmed to say 'I'm good thank you' when asked. To give our 'best side' to the camera. To act as if everything is running absolutely tickity bloody boo. All the time.
I was reminded this week, when someone I hold in very high regard casually mentioned she'd given a dangerous driver the finger, that actually its people's idiosyncrasies, failings, weaknesses and vulnerabilities that make me want them in my life more; not their perfection. It's like shit, you're human too? You trust me enough to tell me your truth? To be your undefended self with me? There is no greater honour. I now hold that friend in even higher regard, not less.
I guess I'm saying; life is tough. And now it's Christmas. One of the hardest times of the year for so many. So thank God for the people who walk around with undefended hearts... for giving me permission to be a bit less defended myself. Please, If I ask you how you are, don’t feel compelled to stick to script. I’ll try and do the same. Nobody's figured it out. No one is ok all the time. Let’s just love the shit out of our unokayiness. Because surely that’s what being human is all about.