What would you like written on your gravestone?
Gravestones from Igrexa de San Pedro, Muras, Spain — where many of my Spanish ancestors are buried. Not much written about their work on these.
In my first corporate job, over 20 years ago, I worked for a boss who bullied me.
I was 20, fresh out of university, and had absolutely no clue about anything to do with the corporate environment.
She was a very young managing director, under more pressure than she could handle. And I was her punching bag.
She had a nervous breakdown in the end. In fact, she had two.
When she came back to her office to pack up her stuff once and for all she called me in and told me this:
‘When you die Tania, they aren’t going to write on your gravestone ‘dedicated her life to company X or was an exemplary executive at company Y’.
It really stuck with me. There she was packing up her career into a few cardboard boxes. Devastated. Everything she had worked for her entire adult life reduced to this. Knowing she was never coming back.
I ended up working in communications for 20 years. I had 10 different jobs. I worked for companies large and small, public and private. Toxic and progressive. Agency and consultancy. I worked full time and part time. I got burnt out. I got back on my feet. Her words were often in the back of my mind. Particularly when I got burnt out. Because she was absolutely right of course. However much you give to a company, you are a human resource. You can have a great boss, fantastic colleagues, love your work… but it is pretty unlikely that what you’re doing there will end up getting mentioned on your gravestone.
I’m not suggesting you quit your 9–5 (or should I say 8–7). I did stay in the game for 20 years after all. But it was always just that to me. A game. And when I found myself losing that perspective; when work started to become all consuming; when the hours at work started to stretch insidiously, when I was constantly thinking about work outside of work; what my first boss said to me was a useful albeit sobering reminder. Is what I am getting stressed and anxious about so important and so big a part of me that it will end up on my gravestone? Will this project, its success or failure, my salary, my ‘status’ my job title be in my thoughts when I’m dying? No, it won’t be. Will I regret it if I work harder? Quite possibly.
In her book, ‘The Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing,’ once palliative nurse, Bronnie Ware, tells us exactly what we’re most likely to regret when it comes to our final hours. Wishing we hadn’t worked so damn hard is the second biggest regret:
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
If you’re losing perspective; if work is becoming your everything; if you feel like you’re stuck on the treadmill — have a look at this list. With this in mind what small steps can you take to avoid having one or all of these regrets?
My boss also, somewhat ironically, left me with one more piece of advice before leaving. ‘Be kind to everyone on the way up as you never know who you’ll meet on the way down.’
There is so much to be said for being kind and treating others as you’d like to be treated. I refer you once more to that gravestone and what you’d like written on it as well as all the research that shows that being kind makes you happier and improves your wellbeing. And, as I’ve written previously, choosing to be kind, compassionate and loving even in very small ways can be more meaningful than achieving ‘success’.
So, there you have it. Think about what you’d like to have written on your gravestone and be kind. Oh, how potent the teachings can be from the most unlikely of places.